Making Time for Sex As New (Or Not-So-New) Parents

I remember when my husband and I first met in college and went through a fantastically long courting period (at least in terms of college romances where one-night stands and casual sex are just part of the college experience) before we decided to take the plunge and have sex. Of course, once that happened, the sexual floodgates were opened and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Every encounter we had at that point was some type of sexual foreplay. There were the touching feet underneath the tables as we “studied” at the library. That of course was paired up with the hand grazing and hand holding as we made our way across campus to have sex in some other discreet or not-so-discreet location. Most people reading this know the drill: at the beginning of a young relationship, it is virtually impossible to consider anything else but when and where you will next have sex. Now let’s fast forward ten years to see this vivacious, young couple married for six years with one young son and a baby girl on the way. Where did all that wild and crazy sex go?

It is a conversation we have had many a time, usually ending with my husband pouting about not getting enough sex and myself pouting about not getting enough “me” time to just unwind at the end of a long day of working full-time during the day and then full-time during the evening as a mama to a very energetic son while being 7 months pregnant. Despite the pouting (and controlled shouting so as not to wake our sleeping toddler), we were able to come up with a few ways to ensure that we each had our intimate and sexual needs met.

• Planning – I know. I know. Planning takes the fun out of everything, right? Not necessarily. As a child-less couple, I remember times when we would get off of work, meet up for a happy hour, toss back a few margaritas and barely make it through the front door before all our clothes hit the floor. Now, that we have a child and one on the way, there have not been any happy hours and pregnancy/nursing have pretty much put the kibosh on alcohol. Also, I don’t think CPS would look too kindly on parents ripping each other’s clothes off and having sex in front of an 18 month old toddler. So, what we have decided is to schedule a day and time once a week when we know our toddler will be fast asleep and we can make time for each other (it is even better if you can schedule a date on this evening and hire a babysitter). Sure, it’s not spontaneous, but it is something we both look forward to the entire week. And, naturally, should a spontaneous sexual moment occur, we would never turn it down.

• Pleasure – While, as a couple, we would be lying if we said that we had sex ten times a week, we wouldn’t be lying when we said that each time we DO have sex, we find it incredibly enjoyable. We have learned that it is the quality of the experience and not how many times we can squeeze sex into the week that makes for a strong sexual foundation. We take time to make sure the other “gets their cookies” as an old friend used to say. Part of this principle is actually discussing and getting to know what our sexual likes and dislikes are so that we can skip all the stuff that is just fluff and make each experience mind-blowing.

Opening up the dialogue was the first step in our quest to make time for sex and each other. Yeah, it wasn’t a fun (or sexy, for that matter) dialogue to bring up, but once we were able to get over our pouting and woe-is-me stages, we were able to really discuss what we each wanted to make our relationship work and so far it has.