Safe Sex: Don’t Set Yourself Up

Life is full of self-fulfilling prophecies. Here are just a few: if you think you’re going to fail, you are more likely to; if you expect people to betray you, they most likely will. Thoughts are things, and attitude is half the battle. Here’s another one: if you look like a victim, you will be. Condoms can’t prevent your being victimized, but they are an essential part of being protected and carrying one keeps you in the mindset of keeping yourself safe during intercourse.

In any new encounter with someone you don’t completely know, you must – if you are a woman – take charge of your own well-being, and set some guidelines for safe sex and safe dating practices. You can take charge by having self-defense tools like pepper spray, or some self-defense training like karate. You must also have a defensive attitude, by which I don’t mean cringing or self-subservient behavior, but rather a take-charge frame of mind. You will set the opening rules of the engagement, or meeting, and you will decide what is best for you, your peace of mind, your safety and safe sex. You will, of course, always carry a condom to ensure safe sex.

If, for example, you met him on the Internet, and are now meeting him in person, arrange the meeting in a public place. Do not allow him to sweet-talk you into changing your mind, or accept excuses (i.e., he is more comfortable in a familiar setting, or he can’t go out because his dog is sick). If nothing else, this public encounter is a good opportunity to put him to the test. If you’re not completely familiar with him, why not have coffee instead of a full meal? If coffee isn’t your thing, you can choose to go to a museum and see if he really likes art (or to a zoo, where you can see for yourself if he truly likes animals). You could even go to a sporting event if you have the time. There are lots of choices. Just be sure you arrive and leave in your own car (or on public transportation, if you’re a city girl), and have a condom in the glove compartment to ensure safe sex ‘just in case’, because life is full of unexpected detours. 

If, after meeting him, you decide he is trustworthy (i.e., he’s being honest and open, being genuine and not fake, talks about his family and where they live, and where he works), you can arrange a second date at a more private location. You will, of course, have verified his information, and you will have a condom handy for safe sex in the future.

Perhaps you already know him. He’s an old high-school friend, or someone you used to work with. Unless you knew him very, very well in this ‘past’ life, he’s still not entirely ready for the green light. Even then, there are risks. People change, and they can also have a hidden history that you don’t know about. Take the time to discover what your old friend has been doing in the intervening years, and verify the information he gives you where possible.

If, after the first phone call and a meeting in a public place, you feel your old friend is still mentally and morally sound, invite him to your place for dinner. You will, of course, have a girlfriend waiting for an ‘all-is-well’ phone call at the end of the evening, and a stash of condoms in a bedside table for safe sex if your old friend proves to even more fun than you remembered.

There’s even the possibility that you were once dating in the past. Just keep in mind the fact that what he was, and what he is now, are worlds apart. Treat it – and him – like a first date. Get to know him all over again, and remember – if you didn’t want children the first time around, you are even less likely to want them now, so be sure to engage in safe sex. At least not until you confirm he has finally grown up. Carry a condom to ensure safe sex, and insist he buy you dinner (just kidding.)

Be safe and always have safe sex. Your high school sweetheart may be HIV-positive; your ex-husband may be hiding a history of gonorrhea. You don’t want to carry this kind of baggage to future dating scenarios if it doesn’t work out, and you certainly don’t want to be forced to hire a babysitter every time you meet someone new. Condoms give you the security of knowing that you are having safe sex, freedom, and options. Take advantage of all the options you have available, and be sure that safe sex is at the top of the security list.